Friday, January 29, 2010

Facing the Reality of a Dreaded Day

Look at this email that popped out at me when I first opened my computer this morning:

Hello, April!

You're 40 weeks pregnant - Your baby is due!

It's hard to say for sure how big your baby will be, but the average newborn weighs about 7 1/2 pounds (a small pumpkin) and is about 20 inches long. The biggest part of your baby's body is her head, but her still-pliable skull will give it the flexibility necessary to squeeze through the birth canal. Many parents are surprised by how long and sharp their newborn's nails are from the get-go. Clipping them right away (ask a nurse for help) can prevent your baby from scratching her face.

Quick Clicks
Has your baby arrived? Update your info
Tips for surviving the first six weeks
Why newborns look so funny

"My doctor's talking about induction! I'm uncomfortable, but I've chosen to let the little one decide when she's ready to come into this world." — Marcia

You're 14 percent more likely to give birth on a Tuesday than on any other day of the week — and least likely to deliver on the weekend.

Still pregnant, plus more tests you may need

How to keep from going stir crazy
Here are a few ways to bide your time until labor begins:

• Go out to lunch with a good friend.
• Catch an afternoon movie.
• Go for a walk or swim. While there's no scientific evidence that exercise can kick your labor into gear, many women swear that's what did it for them.
• Take care of bills coming due soon, and if you haven't already done so, address and stamp your birth announcement envelopes.
• Tired of people checking in on you? Let the answering machine pick up messages for now, and only talk to the people you want to.

After months of anticipation, your due date rolls around, and... you're still pregnant. It's a frustrating, but common, situation in which to find yourself. You may not be as late as you think, especially if you're relying solely on a due date calculated from the day of your last period because sometimes women ovulate later than expected. Even with reliable dating, some women have prolonged pregnancies for no apparent reason.
If your baby has arrived, congratulations! Tell us your baby's birth date and we'll switch you over to the baby newsletter series, with info about your baby's development, parenting tips, and more.

Also This Week ...
Fun ways to announce your baby's arrival

Have a great week!
From all of us at BabyCenter

Okay, I'm back. This is April talking again!! :)

You're probably wondering why I would be getting an email from Baby Center??? Well, probably cuz I should have deleted my info from their system 7 months ago! It's just one of those things I never really felt like doing so just never got around to it. I've been just ignorning the weekly emails and either deleting them the second I see them, or they somehow go right to my junk mail. Well, this one was a little hard to ignore. I am forced to face the reality of it.

Today, January 29, 2010, would be my due date with Mason's little brother or sister. I was thinking probably brother. A date I have been dreading all these months because I knew then I would have to put this behind me and move on because I can no longer pity myself and say, "I'm supposed to be pregnant right now!! But I'm not, and it's not fair!" I have been dreading January and it's finally here. Ugghhhhh. I found out last Memorial Day (May 25) that there was another little baby growing inside me. We knew we had wanted another baby since the week Mason was born, but dr. told us to wait til he turned one year since I would have to have another C-section and my body needed a break. So, as Mason's 1st bday was approaching we jumped right into trying for it without even talking to God about it. We tried a couple of months and then stopped because we just weren't too sure about it and there was just too much going on.

May 11th came & went (Mason's b-day) and a few weeks later I started feeling very sick and just knew something was off. I took a pregnancy test and it immediately turned positive. Marc and I were both in shock and taken off guard because we knew it was something we thought we wanted, but we hadn't taken it to God, AND we weren't really trying right then. And for us, pregnancy does not come easy. It takes a while and literally HAS to be planned for the pregnancy to last. And we did some calculations and realized that tthis pregnancy began on my 30th birthday, the day before Mason's 1st birthday. So, of course we immediately thought it was a God thing and that this pregnancy was meant to be! We were also scared to death because I was lazy and had stopped taking my progesterone, which I have to start taking 2 weeks prior to becoming pregnant in order for the baby to survive. (My body lacks that hormone, so I have to take supplements prior pregnancy & entire first trimester of pregnancy before the placenta takes over producing the progesterone.) So, the hard-core praying began. A couple very scared to death, but also very excited and blown away, all at the same time of taking care of a very active, about-to-start-walking one year old little boy! We were putting this pregnancy in God's hands.

Well, once again, God had different plans for us. We did get to enjoy the pregnancy for a few more weeks, just enough time to really think it was going to last and to get excited. We had a very exciting night of telling our parents and were scheming ways of how to tell our best friends. We started thinking, "Well, we're sooo glad our rental house in BG has 4 bedrooms cuz we'll need one for the new baby!" and "Should we book our trip to Arizona in July cuz April will be about 11 weeks pregnant?? What the heck! Let's do it! It'll be fun to get away, just the two of us, and to be happy and pregnant!" We even started the belly pictures! But, one Thursday morning after coming home from having lots of fun at music class at the Music Playhouse with our best friends, it started. The bleeding and cramping that I knew all too well. I was actually on the computer entering in our credit card info to book Marc's and my Arizona trip. It was a nightmare. I just could not believe God was allowing us to go through this AGAIN!!! Why!??!?! I was not mad at Him or angry, I was just soooooo baffled. What was He trying to teach us? I mean, He had already taught us patience and that His plans aren't always ours, so what else could possibly be left to learn?

This miscarriage lasted about a week; all the way through going to the Coldplay concert with Ryan & Melia; through making preparations for the Inner-City Ministry center Marc and I were leading at VBS, through the actual VBS every night for 4 nights. Of all times for us to have plans every single night. I had to force myself to get through it all. Forced a smile on my face, yet everyone knew. Once again in that vulnerable position where everyone feels sorry for us. It makes me cringe because I know there is MUCH worse out there that people have to go through. Yet, my heart was breaking in an unexplainable way. Miscarriage is the trial that was given to Marc and me. And at a very crazy time of our lives. Mason turning ONE year old, Marc graduating from residency at Vandy, finalizing our house in BG, trying to figure out what to do with ours, packing up the house & moving, Marc starting his new job finally, and the overall transition of picking up and moving our family. I had hoped to move to BG pregnant and happy and glowing and busy planning a nursery, not sad and moping and being worried about how I would feel to make a new friend who happened to be pregnant or carrying a newborn.

So, here I am on this due date looking back these last 9 months trying to figure out how all the pieces of the puzzle fit. They fit perfectly, but that doesn't mean I am 100% healed. I am working so hard it at and some days are easier than others. I am not angry or mad or confused. I am just sad and wondering what that baby would have been like. Would he or she have slept 12 hours a night starting at 6 weeks old like my Mason? Would they have been the world's most perfect baby like my Mason? Would they have been so easy, go-with-the-flow, and easy-going as a newborn like my Mason? Would it have been a boy or a girl? Would this c-section of been so much better than the first? What would Mason think of bringing a new brother or sister home from the hospital week? How would it be being a parent the second time around? All these questions go through my mind as I sit here and stare at my 20-month old son laughing and dancing away to his Baby Einstein Baby Noah DVD saying "Ho, Ho, Ho!" every time Noah appears on the screen. Marc and I have enjoyed every single second with this stinker, yet have gone through the most challenging few months of having a child. Mason is the JOY of our lives, but is very active, full of energy, and is into everything! He loves life. Since he started walking at 15 months old, my has life been different! :) I am constantly on my toes having to keep up with him. My mom calls him a "Little Jody." I believe that! How in the world would I have been able to do this while being pregnant??!?!? I know women do it every day. Marc and I have focused everything on Mason and it would have been so different knowing another baby would be here soon. God knew we needed just a little bit more time with him before growing our family. And I agree with Him 100%. I just pray that I can be the best Mom I can be, and if that means it just being Mommy & Mason rocking in the rocking chair at night, then so be it. I cuddle up to him at night when putting him to bed and am so thankful for that time and that it doesn't have to be shared with another child right now. We waited so long and prayed so hard for Mason, that we truly believe he was our miracle and we want this time with him to last for as long as possible. Because I know we will feel this way all over again with a second child! :)

So, that's it. I just wanted to sit and write all these feelings out because it's something I NEED to do and have been needing to do for a long time. I talked a little bit about this miscarriage at the beginning, but haven't really dealt with it since we moved. I was explaining to my Bible study group the other night that I just wanted a fresh start here and didn't want to be seen as the girl who has a million miscarriages and sends out a million emails asking for prayers about it! I've been trying to hide the pain and deal with it on my own, especially with all the other sadness that has been going on. We have experienced several losses of people we love the last few months and I thought I had just combined all this grief into one and that the tears I've cried were enough to help me grieve for my baby as well. I've learned that is not fair to do to myself. Each of our losses breaks God heart and He cries more tears than we do. I need to work some more on the healing for my babies. Not just the baby due today, but the babies before Mason as well. I realize now that my heart still breaks for them each and every day. I've put my grievin' on hold for a few months but sitting down and typing this post has already helped so much in making up for lost time. I hear that you never stop grieving for babies lost through miscarriage, but that it gets a little easier each and every day.

I have some pictures sitting on my computer from the very happy time of knowing I was pregant again to the horrible, dark days of the physical & emotional pain. I have never posted some of these pics and I feel that it's something I need to do today.

Seven weeks pregnant... I was really feeling pregnant & could notice my belly shape changing

We announced the exciting news to our parents just before leaving to go to Marc's residency graduation! I walked down the stairs with Mason wearing his new "Big Brother" t-shirt. It took them a minute to realize what was going on, but they were in PURE shock when they got it!

All of us bein' silly after Marc received his "diploma." We had soooo many blessings to be thankful for that night!
Fun pool day with my good friend, Heather, and her girls that week. I was DYING to tell her the news, but we were waiting a little bit longer to tell our friends.

Trying out the free classes as Music Playhouse... We had such a BUSY few weeks after finding out we were pregnant. Summer was here and there was so much excitement all around!
The day we were on the news at Music Playhouse! There were several close-up shots of Andrea and me with our sweet boys! I wish I had a tape of it.
About an hour after getting home from music class this day, the miscarriage started. I wasn't feeling very well at music class, but I just thought I was hot and nauseous from it being SO hot that day and just from being pregnant.
Two days later at the Coldplay concert... we had been looking forward to that for so long so we were going to make sure we had lots of fun!

Playin' with May May in the car on the way to VBS

I wondered how the world I was gonna get up out of bed to make it to VBS each night... But God put it on the calender for THIS specific week this year just for us! I was so grateful for these people in this picture below. They were in our missions center with us and gave us so much encouragement & love that week.
Teaching those precious children about the Inner-City Ministry (a.k.a "Church Bus")... something I am so passionate about & another huge God-send. Looking back on it, the strength to stand up and do that during a miscarriage was God holding me up!
The face that got us through... Marc & I looked at this sweet little face that week in a brand new light. I don't care how many times I have to be pregnant to bring a child like this into the world. It is ALL worth it!


Valerie said...

April, your post has blessed me today. Thanks for sharing. I can't imagine how hard this day's arrival has been for you. So glad that y'all are here in BG. Looking forward to getting to know you better!!

Mandy said...

April, thanks for sharing all of that. I will definitely be praying for you and Marc and your desire to have another child. Miscarriage is so hard and something that affects so many people. You and your stories will minister to so many people. God bless!

The Kinards said...

Oh April! My heart breaks for you because I know that pain all so well. I am sorry that you have had to experience it more than once. God does have a plan for you and I agree that he wanted you to have more time with Mason. Our babies grow way too fast and they need our love and attention. Keep your eyes on the cross and He will bless you. Praying for you! Love you girl and I don't even know you. We WILL meet up one day! Your sister in Christ!

Audrey's Mom said...

Thank you for sharing your story and giving God the glory through it all. Your story will bless so many. I'm glad God has led you and your family to BG!

Blessed said...


Even though I knew this story already, I was blessed by hearing it again. The pain of miscarriage is always there and it's hard, but I do think sharing your story and your heartbreak not only helps with the healing, but also helps others! Love you!

Pauliwog said...

hey girl! just wanted to let you know that I love you and I am thinking of and praying for you today! Miss you girl!

Tamara said...

I'm crying reading this and wishing with all my heart this was a journey you never had to have. I HATE babycenter and was never able to do it while pregnant with presley because of this same thing except I actually cancelled mine TWICE. The diaper packs and formula mailed after from companies affiliated with the website didn't help much either. I wish I could say that now at least 4 years removed from all loses I never have these nights but I still do. You are so much in my prayers as your your thoughts turn to one of Mason's very special guardian angels.

The Akin's said...

I cry with you as a I read your post, because I understand all too well the pain that you are going through. Although I have only had one miscarriage, I know that the pain is overwhelming at times and things just don't make sense. Luckily we have a God that makes sense out of all of it for us.
I know that it has been a hard few months, but I really feel like God has something right around the corner for you! You have been so faithful to Him and trusted Him with every step, and I know that He will bless you for it. Thanks for sharing your heart with us in the post. I know its a hard thing to talk/write about, but I love that you are always so willing to be real in order to help others. Your words were a comfort for me today.
I love you so much,

Kim said...

What a beautiful post, April. It was heartbreaking to read and I'm so sorry that once again you were familiar with this heartbreak.
I didn't know about this. Forgive me for not seeing a post you said you mentioned it in.
Consider yourself hugged and know that I will add you guys to my prayer list. I am looking forward to seeing a post about Mason's little brother or sister someday soon! Love ya!

Lydia's Mom said...

God has given you so much strength and He is working so powerfully through you in many ways. Thanks for showing His beauty and love through hard times and good.

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