Wednesday, October 15, 2008

What's on my heart...

Today, October 15th, is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Many may think, how in the world can April be sad about things that have happened in the past, she has a healthy beautiful, precious 5-month old baby boy!! Yes, Marc's and my lives have been forever changed since Mason entered this world as my indescribable Mother's Day gift, but that does not mean that the sadness I feel has been completely erased or ever will be. A year and a half ago Marc and I experienced two miscarriages just 5 weeks apart from one another. It was like being stabbed in the heart twice; no time to heal from the first wound. I did not know when or how I would ever recover from the grief I experienced, but those questions were answered the day I held Mason Thomas in my arms. I have read several blogs today of amazing women I do not even know sharing their very similar stories. We will never know how certain babies are chosen to be sent to Heaven before they even step foot onto this earth, but one day we will see every one of those precious angels and know that God is taking so very good care of them. I think about my two babies each and every day, wondering if they were boys or girls, or one each, what they look like, and if they are anything at all like our sweet Mason. Looking at this little boy that I just put to bed in his crib (he was asleep a long time before I put him down, I just couldn't bear myself yet to entangle him from my arms!) I see God's plan crystal clear, but it was all so murky while going through it. To all of you reading who know EXACTLY what I am saying through all of this, my prayers are with you and your families. Just know that you are not in this alone. I pray that if you have not been blessed with a child, that someday God will grant you your desires. I have learned that sometimes His direction for our lives are just a little different than our own. Throw any kind of timeline out the window; just be open to what God has in store for you because if you trust Him completely you will have so much more happiness than you ever could have imagined. If you have been blessed with the miracle of a child, stop what you are doing and go and give them the biggest hug and kiss ever right now. I have cried and held Mason in my arms all day today thanking God over and over for my precious baby boy. He has just been looking at me like, "Don't cry, Mommy! It will be okay. Jesus loves my brothers & sisters and is playing with them right now!"

Thank you all so much for listening and for all the support and encouragement you have shown us during this challenging, trying time of our lives. I would love to hear more stories of hope for anyone who would like to share! Last year I felt led to start a Pregnancy Loss Support Group at my church, so if you or anyone you know need someone to talk to, please let me know and I will give you details about our group. When the first miscarriage happened, I felt so alone in that I didn't really know anyone else who had experienced that kind of loss, besides one of my best friends, Carrie who had lost her first pregnancy the year before. I do not want anyone to feel loneliness like I did and this support group was formed as a result of that.

Here are some photos from the celebrations Marc and I had with our family and friends with our very first pregnancy. That joy was something we will always treasure. The looks on our parents' faces when telling they were they going to be grandparents for the first time were worth all the pain a million times over. There was nothing more we wanted to do than to give them a grandbaby to love.

The exciting day we found out about our first pregnancy... March 10, 2007

Marc was asleep after being on call the night before, so I sent Trixie to wake him up. I was screaming, so he was the most confused!!

I went a few days later to buy these little sweet outfits to give our parents to tell them they were gonna be grandparents for the first time! I did not waste anytime in coming up with "the plan"! (The bottom one I ended up just keeping and it hung on my closet door for months as a way to kinda keep me closer to the babies... Mason wore that outfit 4th of July weekend!)

Telling my family at Longhorn. To say they were "in shock" does not even begin to touch their reaction!! (They still have that little pink onesie waiting for someone to give them a granddaughter... no pressure, Christy & Jody! Ha ha!:) )
Okay, my sister-in-law's reaction was the best!! Priceless!!

Earlier that day, we had gone up to KY to tell Marc's parents. Connie IMMEDIATELY got on the phone to call everyone she knew!! We gave her the little present telling her it was an early Easter/Anniversary gift for her and Terry. She was the most confused! That is her twin sister, Aunt Bonnie, sitting on the other side of me. She was perched up right in the middle of all of the excitement!

This is also now one of Mason's favorite outfits! :) And so true!!

Brooke & Johnathan were the first friends we told... We went to Singarama with them at Lipscomb the same night we found out and Marc could not keep his mouth shut! On the way there we discussed the fact that we weren't gonna tell people yet but Marc was way to excited to keep that kind of news from his best friend!

I went to lunch with some of my long-time girlfriends, Elizabeth & Tara (and their kiddos) to tell them my exciting news We made the biggest scene in the middle of Logan's!

Telling my bestest friend, Andrea, that she was going to be an Auntie!

Immediately after the miscarriages, the love started pouring in... My sis-in-law, Christy, sent us these beautiful tulips

Our church family in Louisville, KY at Westport Road Church of Christ sent us this gorgeous bouquet as soon as they found out... Those people are amazing! They still love us so much even after we moved here to Nashville 3 1/2 years ago!!

Marc had a work trip in Atlanta soon after, so I went with him so we could get away from everything together and just kinda figure out what we were going to do. I am so blessed to have an amazing, God-loving husband! I definitely would not have survived without him being there next to me, crying with me, praying with me, returning calls for me, and just being so kind and patient. I know he was hurting as much as I was but he was being so strong for the both of us.

Notice the beautiful tulips behind us... That kind of flower just kept showing up during those couple of weeks. I really feel they were a sign of God reminding me that peace and understanding would come someday. And it has!
Please visit this blog: It is the amazing story of a lady named Angie Smith. Wow, to have her strength... Carolyn B., thank you so much for sharing this with me today! :) Love you!


Anonymous said...

Thanks so much for sharing your journey. I,too, burned 3 candles for my 3 angels. THey will never be forgotten. I bought a blanket the weekend I found out about 1 of the pregnancies. I know it's weird but I never let Presley use that blanket. We also have an angel ornament hanging in Presley's room. It's her big brothers watching over her. HUGS and love for your angels!


Blessed said...

Love you!

Our babies are playing together in heaven right now! :) That's what I like to think.

You write about this so well.

Pauliwog said...

April, I know that you will never forget your first 2 sweet miracles, the loss will always be there, but thankfully God chose to bless you with the most beautiful and perfect little boy to help lighten your burden of loss! Isn't God amazing! He never gives us more than we can handle and he shows up in the midst of our trials at just the right time...and gives us the desires of our His perfect time. WE will never know, while on this earth, why he called your precious little one's home so soon, but I think that God has given you a gift in the midst of your pain...allowing you to relate in a very real way to other mommies that have lost precious little ones! I love you and think of you and your family often!!

Kim said...

Thank you for sharing these precious memories and pictures. I am so sorry for the heartbrake you and Marc endured twice.
It is so beautiful to see God's faithfulness that you now have Mason.

The Kinards said...

Hey! I found your blog after reading Andrea B.'s blog. I too had a miscarriage Sept. 2007. I am interested in how you started your support group. Can you please email me an info you have on how I could start one at my church. Angie's blog was so touching. I read most of it and cried for 3 hours!! Thanks for sharing.

Thanks so much,
Amy Kinard

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